Finally an engineer!

I had not been writing for sometime.

People said have been doleful,

I needed to understand the brighter sides of life and portray them too...

So even if there were moments which hurt, I knew I wasn’t allowed writing. Even If I was an open book the world demanded something else, they wanted something that could interest them. If I was giving out my life, there had to be still something diplomatic.

So I promised myself of giving them a moment of happiness, if not happiness than at least not a moment of sadness. I decided this time I’ll wait for one. And see if it’s worthwhile enough to pen down!

I knew something coming up, end of my engineering…..I knew it would certainly not be a sadistic moment.

Had waited for the day from long.

Each of us never stopped saying, be it any exam, any practical

“ki kab wo din aayegga aur bas chuttkara millegga!” so I knew it was going to be funny.

So even the night before I was going for my last exam, I was sure I could give all of them a reason to smile at least tomorrow. After all only some hours more would make me an engineer! (An 8*5) a 40 day engineer.

Every semester………. starting from the day I came up in the college, whenever I would screw up a paper,

I would promise myself,

“Bas agli baar se shuru se padhungge!”

“ Par kutte ki pooch bhi kabhi seedhee huyee hai bhaallla”.

“To hamaree kaise ho jatee!”

The four years passed by like this only.

Someone making the assignments, someone taking out the printouts,

and the rest of the class simply paying them on the day of the exams. (After all the whole class apart from these two was busy , they had jobs to be done which were much more important, they were coming to the college …wasn’t this more than enough)

This was the practical part of being an engineer and theoretical couldn’t have been without god! (Lord Balaji and Goddess Shivani).

The whole semester we would buy books and at the last moment when time didn’t allow giving due respect to them, we had just “Shivani”…

Suddenly there was a ring, which brought me back to the world where I had a paper tomorrow, a chapter was unexplored and the clock was showing 1:15….. I was back to my senses.

I checked there was a sms which read

“kitna hua???”

These were the messages and miss calls that kept me awake and alive during the exams, but tomorrow was an end to it all…at least before the joining!

So it was going to be a big break, after long.

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We went to college, rather than revising things, we were cracking jokes coz we knew we would mange passing….after all

“Haathi to nikal hee chukaaa ttha,baaki ttthe to bas poonch”!

While giving the exam, the thing I least wanted to do was write, wanted to run out after I would have managed a 35…when people around me were taking supplementary, I checked if I could even mange filling this one. And when I was sure I was managing it (former one (a 35), not the latter) there I was out of the hall…to search out the special feeling.

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And finally am an engineer, the enthusiasm seems all loosed out;

There is nothing special I feel for the moment which was waited and has come…

I have been trying hard from past three days, that there’s something which I could feel, some special crown over my head, some angels around…

All I feel is boredom, and now I think it wasn’t a bad idea seeing friends around for no good reason, hanging out on sanchi, just for time pass, and going for a long drive everyday(to college)..

And look at the discontent,

It always wants something which is either gone or is coming up. When in school we wait for the college, when in college we wait for it to end and look in for a job and when working we look back to those old days.

And see even am a part of it,

And am still hopeful of a special feeling coming up, anticipating that it shows up soon!

an ode to CSE 2008

Today was no different, a usual CSE party. We have had lots of them since the first day in college. Though its form changed with time. At first they were cozy parties, small number of people where each felt connected to each other. Later the parties were redefined; the number of people increased so did the budget, but the bond the feeling of being one with other seemed somehow vanishing. All most of the people were concerned about when coming to a party was to have a good lunch at one of the finest places in the city, take lots of pics which would give a false impression later of having done a lot of fun later… to make the bill heavy enough on the host and leave. At times even forgetting to wish the bill bearer.

These parties were lost with time, and then came this one-a party intended to be a farewell for each of us or rather a goodbye party, to see many of those faces whom we may never see again.

I was there at the party, with just no feelings. I was neither sad nor happy as if it was just a formality, a formality of just giving the last appearance.

People took their places;

some of the girls were concerned about taking pics as usual- a souvenir, remembrance… holding the person next to you tight enough to give an impression of the love, the friendship that existed between them. Then there were some who were busy scribbling something on some cards, a group of boys again busy amongst themselves, some of whom never talked to girls, so never did we.(as if it was a silent unsaid mutual agreement).

I observed all the small groups I could see and I wished I could just pick each of them and mingle them up, like I did with my bangles. I felt suffocated for a moment at the beautiful thought of being together when being in different cities when not concerned about talking to those whom I could never connect earlier when in a 12* 14 room…

“Hello everybody, may I have your attention please”-there was someone who was trying to host us, someone who would be having some plans to put each of us in a mix.

…he continued.

“We have some titles for each of you, a title written by someone, someone sitting out here.”

He seemed to be talking something which could pull us.

And the murmur stopped, people wanted to hear things about themselves, a narcist in each of us!

He would speak out the title and we would shout in chorus, guessing the person who had to be given it………guessing who was Mr and Miss diplomatic, chalu, samjseval, sarkarraaz, flirt, anonymous, charming, popular …….(can’t recall all of them) amongst us shouting the names of people “dil se” (as was suggested by the host.)

Then suddenly a title Mr. “xyz” was announced and I found myself shouting the name of the person, I had not talked to since past 8-9 months. I found him smiling at it, and I realized the gap which had come between many of us, unsaid, unwanted and never demanded.

Then the next title was “Miss mahila morcha” (have always been a rebel, but I never gave a thought if it was doing me positives or only negatives!) and I saw 41 people yelling out one name, when I never cared if each of them were around.

That day, we were there for each of us. We danced together, with special appearances from the couples. The party carried on, and all of us for the first time were enjoying as a branch with each of the person present… shouting, yelling, laughing!

Then suddenly the lights went off and we could hear something

“hum rahe na rahe kal,kal yaad ayengge ye pal….”

A video was being played, a video where I could see myself on a see-saw and a skinny class fellow of mine in air. Some pics which could not stop us laughing on each other...a guy of 40 kg trying to lift up a 100kg + person, a pic that depicted how the guys partied at holi with bare minimum clothes, someone trying to hide his face, two boys trying to depict an apsara, a pic zooming into someone’s tummy!

A video which was “our” journey through the college, our visits to tekrii, bhojpur, sanchi ,hamaree pahadee … a video which had our failures to our success stories , the moments we fought, we cried, we laughed, which we shared together, a video which had everyone as a package.

“We have always stood for each of us

We have been together

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And we’ll continue to do so!”

This was the message being displayed on the screen.

Lights were back again and each of us was laughing in an attempt to hide those pearls which had trickled our eyes.

Having sensed the irony in the above said words, the feeling of nostalgia had struck!

We knew the life coming ahead was new, it was unpredictable. We knew in some days our lives would be changed drastically and instead of the faces which had become familiar in the last four years we’ll be surrounded with just strangers in a world where we’ll have to make our own identity, make our own presence felt, to prove ourselves. A place where there would be no one who would do the assignments for us and give to the whole lot of us to copy. A place where when we’ll fall there would be no one to help us stand again. A place where there would be no friends to defend you, no one to stand by you when you’ll be alone. There would be no one to whom you’ll be able to speak your heart out.

Filled with the memories of the time we were together and mere memory we’ll become in some hearts once we leave this place, we were all aware of the void that would follow the evening.

We were leaving alone on paths, we ourselves didn’t know!